From Silence To Strength. Beyond the Blank Screen: How Personal Experience Enhances Professional Empathy.

Mid writing a series of blog posts on misogyny, hoping to shed light on and offer some help to those who have experienced its damaging effects, this happened….

“Nicky, I hope you’re not writing this to get more coaching clients.  People don’t want a weak coach; they want someone who they believe is strong.  They don’t want to know about you or your life.”

This was said to me by a family member yesterday and it hurt.  A statement I don’t necessarily disagree with.  I believe many people want help from a blank sheet.  It may help them to feel their journey is unique and unjudged, without comparison or bias.  But it is important to remember that your journey will always be your own and, by definition, is unique.  After all, there is only one you.  Judgement and bias are down to the individual therapist, irrespective of their own life experiences.  It’s a personal trait and often a choice to be judgmental.  Worryingly, the most judgemental person I know is a therapist, and one of the most judged places I have been is in a therapist's room.

My aim in “coming out”, as it were, is to give a voice to the voiceless.  To speak out for victims of abuse, survivors of trauma, those suffering daily with mental health issues such as anxiety, PTSD and CPTSD.  To help those who feel let down by the medical profession, therapists, social services, lawyers, the police, people who are paid to be kind, caring, empathetic, non-judgemental and to help us.  But I also want to highlight how adversity can bring out great traits in us, such as higher levels of empathy, EQ, listening and kinesics (body language analysis).

The poignant part of my position is that, because I was left floating around alone with the ghosts of my past, because I was judged, ignored and even abused by the systems put in place to help all of us through difficult times, I feel truly empathetic of each person’s journey.  I know there is a better way for us to support one another, at home and at work.  There are simple ways we can improve our lives and the lives of others, and better support friendships, relationships and leadership.  They are all built on the same core foundation.

So… after my family member said this to me, I went away to think about why these words stung so deeply.  After all, when we train in psychology and coaching, it is drummed into us to be almost non-human; you are a blank screen to those before you.  I realised the pain was because they know me, they understand that there are two things I truly value about myself… Firstly, my strength, I am not weak.  I have silently pulled myself through some incredible life challenges and held my head high.  Secondly, I am a kind, empathetic listener.  It is not my place to judge, it is my place to care and support people when they need it.  I do not need to bring my life into the therapy room with me, and never do, but I don’t need to hide who I am.  Just the same if I were an addict helping active addicts with their sobriety, or a member of the LGBTQ+ community helping individuals navigate their sexual orientation or identity.

I take a little irony from all of this, I felt weaker and inauthentic when I hid my life from everyone.  I can’t explain the additional strength it has taken for me to come out and be honest about my experiences, after all, these experiences have shaped me into the person I am.  Behind the scenes, I have had a tremendous amount of support, but there will always be people who will try to find a way to pull away at your strength, piece by piece.  To return you to the person they want you to be.

So, what IS my objective?  I want to help, inspire and uncover people’s inner strength.  I want to educate others in old-fashioned skills, such as active listening, EQ, empathy and body language analysis.  All these combined create a person capable of anything, from rebuilding their life after hardship, to leading teams or even global corporations.  It is all about understanding who you are and really learning about the people and processes in your life.

There are so many wonderful motivational speakers, life and business coaches who have built their careers helping others, from their own life experiences.  Hopefully, I can help others by opening up dialogue into subjects society still places a large amount of shame on.

When our perceived weaknesses become our strengths, we can find the courage to challenge and unmask the myths.

“In every adversity, there lies the seed of an equivalent advantage.  In every defeat is a lesson showing you how to win the victory next time.”  Robert Collier.