Embracing Adversity: How It Shaped Me Into the Person I Am Today

Over the years, I have written many coaching and psychology articles, blogposts and papers, and never published any of them, or made them public.  I have spent a life plagued by self doubt and imposter syndrome as a result of decades of abuse and humiliation, from my earliest of memories to the present day.

As a child, I always knew that I wanted to study psychology and human behaviour/body language.  It seemed to come naturally to me.  Unfortunately, in my family, psychology was frowned upon.  I was told, in no uncertain terms, the subjects I should study and the professions I should aim for.  Trust me when I say, there was NO room for disagreement.

Being raised in a controlling and abusive environment teaches you a lot about people, their behaviour, nuisances, subtleties and your own sense of projection and awareness.

The importance of being able to read even the smallest of facial expressions was the difference between emotional and physical safety, or hours/days of hurt and pain.  I became adept at listening for cues in vocal tones, cadence, the choice of words.  Facial expressions and body language helped me understand the emotional state of those around me and, therefore, if I was to have a good or a bad day.  I learnt to express myself or hide my emotions, whatever was necessary for the occasion.  I became increasingly empathetic as I was told not to consider my feelings but the feelings of others, especially the feelings of those that abused me.  It was demanded, “can you even imagine what life is like for me or others having to exist around you?”

I became controlled and hid behind a mask only few people saw beneath, I hid my life from almost everyone.  My story of life with abuse is vast and varied, as is my story of love and kindness.

I had an overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone with all of my abilities.  I knew if I had children I would protect them and fight for them with every fibre of my being.  I wanted to raise them in an environment that would help them grow in confidence, feel safe, feel seen and most of all feel loved.

So here we are.  It’s horrendous to put oneself out there publicly.  I have enjoyed working in coaching and psychology with relative anonymity.  But I feel staying silent is no longer an option.  Our society is failing people like me and you.  Schools are failing children, police are failing victims, social services are failing the vulnerable, therapists are failing their clients, hospitals are failing the poorly and it has become taboo or even hateful to point this out.

There is no empathy requirement for any job.  No one needs to pass a strict  empathy test.  In my life of psychology, coaching and therapy, I have met a fair few therapists, many of whom have very little empathy, some I would even describe as cruel.  I have met teachers that openly bully vulnerable students and parents, I have seen social workers lie and manipulate in an attempt to limit the effort required for their job.  I personally have been subjected to poor therapeutic practices. One instance even left me in one of my PTSD anxiety episodes for a couple of weeks.

I feel very saddened by social media and the utter empty, and often damaging, advice mental health professionals post.  These posts are geared to target the vulnerable, depressed and abused.  It’s obviously free advice and desperately needed by those seeking it out.  We have free speech and people can post whatever they so choose, but would people be drawn to such empty promises and advice if they knew what good therapeutic practices looked like?  If they had experienced true empathy and kidness?  If they understood that a green juice, a morning walk and a rub of your vagus nerve will not cure them of their anxiety and if they fall off their good habits wagon, they have not failed in their journey to rid them of their emotional pain.  Nor does their attachment type or that of their partner mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

I want to address some of these issues going forward.  To help people feel and demonstrate empathy, real listening and understanding.  To help people heal, to be better parents, friends, colleagues, leaders.  It is all inextricably linked.  Improving our EQ to improve every aspect of our lives.  To help and to be helped.

I take so much inspiration from the strong women, men and children that have suffered hardship and withstood adversity and want their voices to be heard.  To help others understand they are not alone and they can empathise with their journey from pain to empowerment.  They demonstrate true emotional intelligence.

I have been a coward throughout my life and have hidden what I have felt to be the shameful aspects of me, but if my experiences can help even just a few people I shall be over the moon.

Nicky McBride